In Over My Head

Have you ever felt like you were drowning? In a deep hole?  If not, call me, email me, comment below....I need help. This is definitely not the first time I've experienced the feeling off being absolutely overwhelmed, but I don't feel like this is something that I've learned from in the past.  I just don't handle it well.

At this particular time, I'm overwhelmed at home and at school. It's not one or the other, it seems to permeate every aspect of my life. I recognize it - that's not the problem.  I'm not in denial - I know that I have a lot going on right now and I'm not getting everything done in the manner I should.  I can tell you what I'm not: I'm not being fruitful; I'm not being kind; I'm not being gentle; I'm not being loving; I'm not being joyful; I'm patient; I'm not being productive either.  

I want to crawl deeper in my hole. BUT, I know that won't solve the problems.  In reality, it will only compound them. Thus digging my hole deeper.  

So, where do I go from here. I think the first step is realizing it and admitting it. After that? BUT...here I am blogging about being overwhelmed rather than making a dent in the never ending list of things that need to be done.

Who's Agenda?

There was so much in today's sermon that didn't stick with me. At first I thought it was because I was distracted by my restless five-year old or by the many things on my "to do" list. Both of those may have been contributing factors, but more likely I was trying to ignore the Spirit's prompting to pay attention.

It turned out to be another example of God working despite me. He made it very clear through our pastor that my communication with Him has been about my own agendas in life and "expecting" His blessing of them rather than about His agenda for my life.

Don't we all do this to some extent, or am I the only one? It's not easy to admit and not going to be an easy road to follow, but isn't that what faith and trusting God are all about? - Having the confidence in our Almighty Lord and Savior to have our best interests in His plans?

Stolen Joy?

This semester I am studying Philippians on Wednesday nights as part of the pastor's Bible study.  It has been way over my head at times in only two short weeks.  With that being said, I know that the idea of joy permeates Paul's message to the church at Philippi and I was convicted by my lack of joy this week.

These first three weeks of school have been frustrating, stressful, and unbearable at times.  Much of the frustration is a result of issues that are beyond anyone's control and I let that control me.  My attitude was poor and I can't have been a very good example to others.

Ordinarily I would say that I let it "steal" my joy. I've heard this terminology about stolen joy much of my life in church. It's either that or being robbed of joy.  What this says though is that I let someone else have control of my own joy and that's not the case.  Stress, frustration, business, others -- none of this "stole" my joy; I let my joy go.  I didn't hold onto.  I didn't seek it out.  There's no one to blame but me.

A friend and coworker blessed me with this Spurgeon devotional Friday morning, after the Lord really laid my missing joy on my heart the night before:

"There were also with Him other little ships."—Mark 4:36.

ESUS was the Lord High Admiral of the sea that night, and His presence preserved the whole convoy. It is well to sail with Jesus, even though it be in a little ship. When we sail in Christ's company, we may not make sure of fair weather, for great storms may toss the vessel which carries the Lord Himself, and we must not expect to find the sea less boisterous around our little boat. If we go with Jesus we must be content to fare as He fares; and when the waves are rough to Him, they will be rough to us. It is by tempest and tossing that we shall come to land, as He did before us. When the storm swept over Galilee's dark lake all faces gathered blackness, and all hearts dreaded shipwreck.
When all creature help was useless, the slumbering Saviour arose, and with a word, transformed the riot of the tempest into the deep quiet of a calm; then were the little vessels at rest as well as that which carried the Lord. Jesus is the star of the sea; and though there be sorrow upon the sea, when Jesus is on it there is joy too. May our hearts make Jesus their anchor, their rudder, their lighthouse, their life-boat, and their harbour. His Church is the Admiral's flagship, let us attend her movements, and cheer her officers with our presence. He Himself is the great attraction; let us follow ever in His wake, mark His signals, steer by His chart, and never fear while He is within hail. Not one ship in the convoy shall suffer wreck; the great Commodore will steer every barque in safety to the desired haven. By faith we will slip our cable for another day's cruise, and sail forth with Jesus into a sea of tribulation. Winds and waves will not spare us, but they all obey Him; and, therefore, whatever squalls may occur without, faith shall feel a blessed calm within. He is ever in the centre of the weather-beaten company: let us rejoice in Him. His vessel has reached the haven, and so shall ours.


If I look at Paul's example in his letter - he had joy in the depths of despair.  I am not imprisoned or persecuted like Paul; I'm living a good life.  I have a wonderful family, a great job, amazing friends, and a Father who loves me despite my screw ups.  As in the example for Mark, I will face trials. It won't always be easy. BUT - How can I not be joyful? I have ultimate control over my own joy. It's time to live it!

Questioning God's Authority

For the year and a half or so I have found myself dissatisfied with several areas of my life and have on repeated occasions prayed for very specific things. It occurred to me in the last few weeks that what I have really been doing is questioning God's authority and will of putting Tim and I where we are. It has definitely made me seek a closer relationship and am committed to try to express my thoughts and seek greater understanding by writing.

Struggles, Musings, Revelations

STRUGGLES: This week has kind of been one of those weeks where feelings were all over the place. I think I started of the week just kind of going through the motions. I have been dealing with frustrations and fears about praying for the healing of Cooper's eyes. What if God doesn't plan to heal him? I know he wants me to share my heart, but what if I am to be disappointed in the end. On top of this everything came crashing down on Wednesday. It was just a bad day.

MUSINGS: I came home that day to a message from Cooper's former ECI caseworker asking me to call a mom who has a six-month old son with a similar visual diagnosis as Cooper. I really struggled with whether to call her or not. I did and when she returned my call, we talked for almost an hour. Tim and I really didn't know how God was going to use our experiences with Cooper, but I think we're just beginning one way.

REVELATIONS: I think this opportunity reaffirmed where I need to be. On Thursday, a good friend said something to me that really hurt my feelings at first. I know it wasn't intentional, but it still stung just a little. Within seconds of beginning to feel sorry for myself and feeling myself sink back to my teenage years with little self esteem, God spoke very clearly to me that HE validates my worth. Over the past few days, I've felt Satan sneak in with the idea of saying something to her - just to let her know it hurt my feelings - but I know that there is no need. I am LOVED.

This week's memory verse: "Some trust in chariots, some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." Psalm 20:7

Satan attacks

It never fails when you are trying to follow God, Satan attacks in every way he can. I keep hearing, "seek me daily" and the harder I try to do that the more distractions I have. I'm laying here on the couch because I can't get up and do anything and it hits me... Work on your bIble study! As I am reading my meds kick in and I can't hold my eyes open.

I think about our bible study all the time and often say "I need to work on that today." Satan always seems to distract me though and then I feel guilty for not doing if. If I hear Him loud and clear saying seek me daily, why is that so hard for me to do?

One of the things that jumped out at me in my study today was the similarities of Bible characters through whom God worked.
1. When God spoke, they knew it was God.
2. They knew what God was saying.
3. They knew what they were to do in respnse.
I have often asked the questions, how do I know it's God? How do I know what he wants me to do? And so on.

As I studied today, it was clear to me AGAIN that I need to seek Him daily and be in the Word daily. The Bible is designed to help you understand God's ways. Then when God starts to act in that manner in your life, you will recognize that it is He who is working.

Lord, help me to resist the temptations that Satan puts in my path. Help me find that few minutes of quit time in my day, everyday, so that I can seek you daily and be able to recognize when you are at work around me and so that I will clearly see what you want me to do in evey situation. Amen.

The World's Misconceptions

I'm going to do my best to put the discombobulated thoughts in my head into some coherent, hopefully not too rambling, commentary.

I think the world's ideas (and by this I am including many, if not most, Christians) of God is tremendously distorted in many ways. I want to really look at two of these in this post. These are two concepts that God has revealed to me that I have been one who has distorted them.

1) The first is "What is God's will for my life?" I have been very guilty of asking this, praying about this, and even studying various titles in an attempt to answer this exact question. However, Blackabay, Blackabay, and King, in Experiencing God, say this is not the right question. The say the "right" question is "What is God's will?" I'm not one to take Biblical commentary as gospel, so I really didn't take much from this at first reading. I did, however, note that it was contrary to many other titles and studies. After continuing in the study for more than a week now, the original question is extremely self focused. It takes the importance away from God and redirects it to oneself. No wonder I am much more comfortable with that question.

As I begin to meditate on the question "What is God's will?," it requires that I look outside of myself. It becomes very clear how it all ties in with being a servant to others, seeing God at work, and humbling oneself...literally, becoming "the least of these." This is a hard one and I don't expect a change in myself over night. I think this means "dying to self" on a daily basis.

2) The second "distorted" belief comes in Day 3 with the idea of being a servant. I have been mulling around "Christian service" for 6 months or more now. Janie mentions it often, Richard has asked Tim for a list of service opportunities within the schools.... I, at times, would feel guilty because of my apparent lack of service when compared to others.

Several things have occurred to me today:
A. I know that I canNOT compare myself to others. God did NOT create me to be like, Janie, or Michelle, or anyone else, for that matter. He created me for the work He has prepared for ME! If I go back to that first of idea of "What is God's will?," then I know that if I seek after His will, I will adjust my life for that work.

B. "Don't just do something. Stand there!" This really is the distorted idea of Day 3. It is direct opposition to the phrase "Don't just stand there; do something!" I think the idea of servanthood is many times phrased with the second word choice. In reality, though, if you're relationship with God, the Father, isn't right, then doing something may not be what God wants, approves of, or even leads in.

So, what do I take from all of this. I was really worried that I wasn't "serving" enough. It isn't it a contest, or a checklist. God put Treehouse on our hearts and I feel led to serve there. I do miss corporate worship, but know at this season in my life, I'm doing what God is leading me to do. And, in that, I am being obedient. I, also, have realized that sometimes God is not calling me to serve...He's SCREAMING at me to come to Him, to be silent, to listen, and to do nothing!